socially awkward.

Ghost in the Mirror

august-is-over:

Sometimes when I look in the mirror and I don’t see myself. Instead I see a ghost of me, or rather who I want to be. Standing behind me, looking over my shoulder, looking on in disgust. Sometimes this being screams discouraging messages. And sometimes he appears with a discouraging look upon his face, as if to judge me for every decision I’m about to make. Sometimes I feel like I’ve let myself down. More often than I’d like perhaps. But I guess sometimes when I look in the mirror I don’t see what others see in me. Instead I see what I have failed in doing. Failed in becoming. And what I’ve let myself become.

Sooner or later I start to believe this person, who isn’t quite me, but on some level someone I’d like to be, yet somehow also dislike, because he’s cold and callous, he is without heart and emotion. He is strong and fearless. Without attachments that the physical embodiment of me is so tied to. He’s everything I’m not. So I start to feel what he thinks I am. Weak, ugly, easily manipulated, stupid. Only now do I realise that maybe I’m starting to let this manifestation of what he tells me I am become true.