socially awkward.

Au Revoir.

“What do you want?”

“Okay.” Jagger bit his lip. He stepped backwards so that he was standing on the brick front step. “I know you think I’m a complete ass and wouldn’t want to waste your time talking to me.”

”You got that right.”I thought.

“But I wanted to give you something before you leave tomorrow.”

Jagger then opened his bag and pulled out an old, green book.

As he handed it to me, I saw what it was.

SIDDHARTA

I was both puzzled and shocked why he was here and why was he giving me this book.

“I know I’ve been a complete ass the past few weeks and I’m never the kind of person who would make excuses. I know it’s too late and no use since you’re leaving but I just want you to know where I’m coming from.”

I was about to shoo him away when he began talking again.

“The book I gave you was one of the few things that my dad left me. He died poor when I was five. He didn’t have much, only a collection of books to give to me as his own version of an heirloom. I was raised by my mom but she died when I was 17. Ever since then, I had to live on my own transferring from one foster home to the next.”

I just stared at Jagger. I was surprised with how raw and honest he sounded.

“I did my best to survive, accepting any kind of decent job just so I can make ends meet. Thank God for the scholarship I got which paved the way for me to come here and study. I was doing okay on my own. And then you came.”

I swallowed. The way Jagger was speaking at the same time staring at me was making me uncomfortable in a good way.

“Initially I find you amusing. How naive you are, how bad of a drinker are you—the way you always puke when you ingest alcohol, how impossibly foolish of you to pretend that you’re straight when all along I saw you checking me out once when I entered the shower shirtless.”

I blushed. I thought he didn’t notice that.

“But for some reason, when I saw people started taking interest at you, especially Taiwan boy, I felt something that I just couldn’t figure. I started to notice the way your eyes become wide whenever you see something petty like a red telephone booth or how you shrieked in joy when you first tasted fish and chips. I started to notice how insanely cute you smile and wrinkle your nose when you tell people how beautiful your country is.” Jagger ran his hands through his hair. “Whenever you’re in harm or in an unfavourable situation, I just couldn’t help myself but be involve. And I hate you for that.”

My heart started to beat faster. I could feel my cheeks becoming warm amidst the cold, cold winds.

“Can’t you see Adam, I am a selfish person. I only care about myself. I don’t trust anyone because everybody just keeps on disappointing me.” Jagger was shaking a bit. I could feel the tension from him. “But you changed that. You fucking changed that! For the first time, in a long, long time. I started to care for somebody other than myself. I started to care for you.”

I was speechless. I was in a state of disbelief.

“And because I couldn’t stay away, I just gave up and go against my gut when I decided to get close to you. It was mental! The day we went out on my birthday, it was the first time I’ve felt something I’ve missed for a long time—happiness. It was pure bliss. When I held your hand as we looked at the fireworks display, I kept on stealing glances and telling myself—God, I wish this will never end. “ I could see Jagger’s eyes starting to water. I’ve never seen him show any resemblance of sadness so it caught me by surprise. “I wanted to be perfect for you. I want to deserve you. But as if life’s playing tricks on me like it always did, you found out. You found out that I’m a shithead alcoholic who can’t control his own mood without alcohol. You have to find out that I’m worthless and that I don’t deserve you.”

I was taken aback by Jagger’s words.

And just like that, all I wanted to do that moment was approach him and hug him. But he held his hand infront of me, signalling me to just stay in place.

“And now, you’re leaving. Sorry if I reacted the way I did in the cafe when I heard the news. I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. I never really expected for anything to happen between us, but still the news was so sudden. I wasn’t prepared. ” Tears began cascading from his eyes. Genuine tears that made his tough face look so fragile at that moment. “Sorry, sorry.”

I gave Jagger a tight hug. I was crying as well.

For the next 2 minutes or so, we just kept quiet. We just hugged each other and let our tears and touch do the talking.

As we pulled apart, Jagger spoke so gently.

“Quand il me prend dans les bras
Il me parle tout bas
Je vois la vie en rose”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

Jagger, still crying, gave me a soft smile and reached for my right hand. He then placed it on top of his chest, just above his heart.

That night, Jagger and I finally said our good byes.

We didn’t promise anything.

We both know that this won’t be the last time we’ll see each other.

But at the same time we both know that the next time we do, we’re not quite sure who we’ll be or what would we’ve become.